thebigball

Memo to Fake Boobs

2005-06-08T14:11:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a long time. But I'm back with a vengeance, with a precious link to this "Open Letter to the Fake Boobs my Husband Bought his Ex-Girlfriend."

A New Blog: True Hoop

2005-05-17T09:33:00.000-04:00

This is what I've been doing lately. It's an effort to combine my day job (basketball journalism), with my new passion (blogging). It went live yesterday, and we'll see how it goes.

Unlike thebigball, this one's all about basketball. If that interests you, please come by for a visit.

As Empires Fall

2005-05-13T15:13:00.000-04:00

The Lakers' dynasty is gone, and the wagon has been hitched to a bitter Kobe Bryant who does not appear to have what it takes to carry a winner on his own nor co-exist with another star.

It can't be good times in the Lakers' front office, and the New York Post's Peter Vecsey has a rather delicious look behind the scenes. The story is that team owner Jerry Buss (who is widely and famously reported to adore late night partying with people the age of his children, but that's not important right now) has let his son Jim call a lot of the shots lately. If this is all true--and I have no reason to believe it is or isn't--it sounds like all hell is breaking loose in a way that could keep Phil Jackson from returning to the team. Here's what Vecsey has to say about it:

Last season, I'm told Jim Buss traveled on the team charter for almost every away game. Lamar Odom supposedly was a constant companion. Jackson isn't about to allow that to happen again. Professional party animals, no matter how well connected to the boss, are utterly unwanted.

Jackson's problem with Kupchak evidently can be traced to last season when Phil went off on a tirade about Kobe being uncoachable. Mitch promptly advised Dr. Buss. Jackson, the same guy who wrote a book about private conversations with players and management, felt Kupchak should've kept his tirade "entre nous."

While Phil has forgiven Mitch, says my source, "he now wants there to be a clear line of authority that won't allow a repeat of this type of episode."

More important, I suspect, Jackson wants Jim Buss to be held accountable for his "suggestions" (firing Phil, hiring Tomjanovich and trading Shaq) and put himself on the plank as the decision maker his father has permitted him to be.

This whole thing must be super-annoying for Jim's sister Jeanie. She's Phil Jackson's girlfriend, and perhaps the Lakers' team executive whose power has perhaps been most usurped by Jim's ascension. I have no idea who leaked this story to Peter Vecsey, but if you put a gun to my head and told me to find out, I'd get my hands on her phone records and start looking for calls to the Vecsey's house.

Doug Collins is a Great Broadcaster

2005-05-13T08:47:00.000-04:00

I remember during the 2001 NBA Finals, the Pacers seemed to be missing everything, and the Lakers seemed to be making everything, and NBC trained their cameras on the shooters' hands at the moment of release. In a special little segment Collins narrated, we saw Kobe Bryant's hands releasing a shot with rock-solid, steady, perfect form on one side of the screen. On the other side, in stark contrast, we saw Reggie Miller's hands fluttering all over like a butterfly.

At that point Kobe was making shots like crazy, and Reggie was missing like crazy. Harly anyone really knew why. Then we all saw that, and it was clear to us all. I can hardly ever remember gaining that kind of insight from television. He does that kind of stuff fairly often. So you have to give Doug Collins credit as a TV commentator. Everyone wants him, and rightly so.

Reportedly, however, there are still some people who are interested in hiring him to coach again in the NBA. ('Wolves owner) Glen Taylor, if it is true that you are among them, I beg you not to offer Collins anything without first reading Michael Leahy's book about the Washington Wizards under Collins.

It's a dogged bit of reporting. It makes it dreadfully clear that as a tactician Collins can sometimes dazzle. But as a leader of men, he is a relentless weenie.

The Ruination of Mitch Albom's Name Continues

2005-05-12T16:31:00.000-04:00

Things aren't getting any better for disgraced Detroit Free Press columnist, and best-selling author Mitch Albom, who was recently caught in a whopper of a white lie.

The author of the feel-good Tuesdays with Morrie has made his name synonymous with misleading journalism. The current Sports Illustrated has a column by Bill Scheft (subscribers only) that begins:

"More bad news for Mitch Albom. Turns out he may have seen Morrie on a Thursday."

I promise you, he is hating this.

By the way, a funny little side story about that. I have wondered at times what his editors were thinking, signing off on an article about something that hadn't happened yet. Yet I passed up a golden opportunity to ask them that directly the other night.

I was in the media room at a Sixers-Pistons playoff game, where several dozen reporters were working away on their laptops.

Often in these workrooms, news organizations pay for phone lines to be installed so the newsroom can reach reporters to get the latest. One such phone, very near where I was standing, kept ringing and ringing, rather annoyingly for the many people who were trying to get work done in the vicinity. These temporary lines don't have voicemail, so it can ring all night. It seemed the editor at the other end wanted it to.

After about ten rings I toyed with the idea of picking it up. Before I did, I glanced over to see whose phone it was. The neat little laser-printed placard taped to that part of the folding table read: "Mitch Albom, Detroit Free Press. "

It stopped ringing before I could answer with a peppy "America's most creative sports reporter speaking, how can I help you?"

The Flip Side

2005-05-12T14:11:00.000-04:00

As Eric Marentette notes in his Blazers blog, there are lots of indications in today's papers that the Blazers may be moving in on Coach Flip Saunders.

Meanwhile in Minnesota, Timberwolves' owner Glen Taylor has been going to some trouble to explain why exactly Saunders isn't the coach there any more (as explained by Brian Hamilton of the St. Paul Pioneer Press):

"Flip was probably a person that got along with his players pretty well - he certainly wasn't real tough," Wolves owner Glen Taylor said last week, referring to ex-coach Flip Saunders. "But probably if we can find someone who handles it a little bit more like McHale handled it - that in practice probably is a little more direct and to the point and calls people out - that would probably be ideal for us.

"I don't mean a real strong disciplinarian, because I think that's too much of a switch. But probably somebody that at least in practices . . . can make sure we make some of the needed changes we make on this team. We're saying we need some changes, so I think we've got to have somebody strong enough that can do that now."

You can read the whole article here (free registration required).

Tough or not, I'm in favor of the hire, because to me competence is paramount. A personal style that meshes with a team's perceived needs is less important. By my estimation, Saunders is demonstrably more competent than all of the other candidates whose names we have heard tossed around (save Phil Jackson, who the Blazers probably don't have a real shot at anway).

Skipping College: Darius Miles and Sebastian Telfair

2005-05-12T09:08:00.000-04:00

Two Portland Blazers are discussed in this recently updated report about basketball players who skip college. College hoops expert Van Coleman has some interesting thoughts about Blazers' rookie Sebastian Telfair:

"It was a surprise to all of us: Not that he got drafted, but that he went as high as he did," Coleman says. "He went ahead of a bunch of players that had a bigger initial return."

And:

"He will be a guy who runs the show -- he's closer to [Tony] Parker than he is to Marbury."

Huffington Post

2005-05-11T15:35:00.000-04:00

There's sort of a snooty new celebrity-laden blog over at www.huffingtonpost.com and I can't find too much to fall in love with over there. (For one thing, I have never been a Harry Shearer fan. I always feel like he could use an aggressive editor.)

It has only been up a few days. I'm sure there will eventually be plenty of good stuff there. But in the meantime, my favorite thing is from someone I'd never heard of, former SNL writer Adam McKay. Way back during the Dean campaign, I was advocating that democrats should sponsor Nascar racecars. McKay reports on the same idea:

These are working class people, most of whom have relatives in the military. If anyone on the planet should care about the DNC it's these people who are being ripped off on their taxes, poisoned by reduced EPA standards, deprived of good public education, and sent to fight wars based on lies. Why not just put an ad on a car and take the huge boos it would garner in the gut. Like a real political party.

The NBA Draft is Next Month

2005-05-11T14:12:00.000-04:00

And I know there's a lot of playoff basketball between now and then, but it's never too soon to start worrying about how my beloved Blazers might be able to nab a top-flight shooting guard.

Most people think the best one out there, in the long run, is high-schooler Gerald Green who made a name for himself by winning a dunk contest on national TV. But now we're just starting to learn a new name, one that hasn't come up much in the press at all: Tiras Wade.

According to Jonathan Givony at DraftCity.com--an eager beaver who is clearly doing his best to come up with complete draft news, despite being something of an outsider in an insider's game--this kid is for real:

His jump shot is a thing of beauty, he catches the ball, elevates and releases all in one fluid motion, in a machine like way that comes off his hands exactly the same every single time. His shooting is without a doubt one of his biggest strengths, and he has the size and skill to get it off almost whenever he pleases.

Inside the arc is where Wade really surprised me. While his perimeter game is all about finesse, once he steps inside the arc he is all about power and tenacity, taking the ball to the hoop and finishing strong with the type of nastiness that is extremely impressive to watch in person.

You can read Givony's full review of Wade's workout here.

Bad Time to be a Sonics Fan

2005-05-10T17:06:00.000-04:00

This has been a very exciting season for the Seattle Sonics. Frankly, they were supposed to suck, but somehow emerged as one of the league's best teams.

Now they drew an unlucky second-round foe: the mighty San Antonio Spurs.

But those Seattle faithful, including my friend Ben, they are believers.

So Ben got all excited to watch game on one Mother's Day. But somehow he mixed up the time and turned on the TV to learn that the game was already over. And game one of that series has to rank as one of the worst in Sonics history. Not only did the Sonics lose badly, but they also had their star, and another key player both sprain their ankles in the first half.

Hard to imagine how that could go worse, for Ben or the Supes.

The only thing left to hope for: some kind of seige mentality inspiring the team to great heights. It could happen.

Assessing Detroit-Indiana

2005-05-09T22:32:00.000-04:00

Watching the Detroit-Indiana series, I'm noticing the following:

Tayshaun Prince, who plays so very will for the slow-it-down Pistons, gets out on the break and finishes the alley-oop as well as anyone. He's fast and long and ready to throw it down. I promise you that he sometimes fantasizes about playing with Phoenix or Dallas or some other fast-breaking team that would let him score 25 a night.

Fred Jones is on the list of players I'd like to have on my team. Those guys with long arms, quick legs, and and sharp minds are all winners (see the aforementioned Tayshaun Prince). There was a play in the third quarter just now when two players and the ball were all floating out of bounds together. Jones had the reach and the brain to snare the ball, chuck it off a Piston into the crowd. Pacer ball.

Steve Kerr pointed out that earlier this season the Pistons won a game without scoring a basket in the entire fourth quarter. That's some sweet D.

Seeing Dale Davis back in Pacer yellow, it's almost like the bad dream of Portland and Golden State never happened. I bet that throwback idea is selling at least 20o tickets a game to Pacer games. People love those lunch-pail guys.

Jamaal Tinsley is a great example of a point I am always making: to get open, you don't need to be faster than the man guarding you. You just need to be able to get to a spot where he isn't. Speed helps, but being shifty is just as good.

Tinsley didn't play high school basketball.

Rasheed Wallace is an amazing player on an amazing player, but he has some flaws. One of them is little hands. Watch: the drops a lot of alley-oop passes, and loses a fair percentage of 50/50 balls because of it.

Don't Mess With TheBigBall

2005-05-06T14:26:00.000-04:00

Since I started the blog, Microsoft and I have disagreed publicly exactly once.

Wisely, they have backed down.

The Legacy of Baby Boomers

2005-05-06T08:30:00.000-04:00

On Sunday we went to see my father-in-law, Jeff Goodwin (shameless plug here for his photos one of which was recently featured by the Smithsonian magazine's website), deliver a talk at his church.

It's a Unitarian Universalist Church, and for those of you not familiar with UUism, this is not really a Christian Church. It is a very liberal religion that embraces a huge array of different thoughts. There are UU Christians, for instance, and UU Jews, UU Muslims, UU Buddhists, and plenty of UU agnostics and atheists. UUs are not bound by a creed (beliefs), but a covenant (action).

So, while there are certainly Republicans in every UU crowd, it's a pretty liberal bunch. Jeff was talking to people who owned Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, and Janis Joplin on vinyl.

So it was particularly bold of him to make the following remarks:

As I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s, we were so convinced we could bring universal love and justice to the world, that we forgot to build and protect the communities that support us through our lives.

For all of our love, volunteerism declined. For all of our love, church attendance declined. For all of our love, divorce rates soared. And isolationism and materialism grew in the vacuum we left behind.

My father’s generation knew the importance of community because without it they could not have survived the Depression.

I believe my children’s generation understands the importance of community for they have grown up in the detritus of divorced families and rootlessness that we, children of the Summer of Love, created for them.

No Way to Sell a Hotel

2005-05-06T08:24:00.000-04:00

My Mom is organizing a conference, and recently traveled for a few days to check out some hotels where conference attendees will be staying. This is the e-mail I just got from her (it's all about the ending):

Last night I stayed at a hotel which turned out to be in the bad part of town. And, just to make me feel loved and wanted, they put me in the Presidential Suite. I am not sure which President they were thinking of, but I imagine it would have to be the president of some seedy car sales company. It was three rooms, two bathrooms and huge 'walk around the whole place' deck complete with three sets of tables and chairs and a ton of other chairs.

I had dinner sitting on my deck with a wonderful view of the mountains, right there across the freeway. Then I discovered that I was required to share the deck with the president of somewhere else staying in the other presidential suite. He was an absolute creep and I couldn't get into my room(s) fast enough and lock the doors.

Then I found that if I turned any lights out the clock turned off and the TV turned on. Also, strange things were happening vis a vis all the TVs in the other rooms. What to do? I certainly didn't want anyone to come to room to try to mend things at 9pm and I did have the much advertised Sweet Sleeper bed to look forward to.

So I unplugged things that wanted to be on and fiddled around until about 10:30 and got things reasonably sane. And I did sleep well. I met with the group sales manager at 8am, had breakfast with her before touring the “facility.”

Honest to God, no kidding, there was a man fast asleep on the floor, whiskey bottle beside him, in one of their “top of the line” conference rooms.

The NBA Crystal Ball

2005-05-04T11:19:00.000-04:00

About a month ago, I had seen enough to know who I thought was going to be in the NBA Finals: the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat.

I have always thought San Antonio would dominate these playoffs in the west--everybody else has new people playing key roles. The only possible problems were the high scoring teams, Phoenix and Seattle. Teams with shooters can luck into victories by having their eager shooters suddenly get hot. (Ask Sacramento about Ray Allen, for instance.) That's the thing about gambling--sometimes you win.

The night this all occured to men, I had seen Miami tear apart the Suns. It was hard to picture them losing.

So I was ready to make predictions, which is something people love you to do when you're a sportswriter.

But a lot has happened since then. Tim Duncan's health matters more than anything else for San Antonio, and he freaked out his ankle in the closing weeks of the season. He either sat out or played poorly for several weeks, and really has only had one great game since the injury.

In Miami, Shaquille O'Neal has been playing at half-mast due to injury too.

And those factors caused me to start looking around a little. Who's ready to pounce if one of those teams falters?

The answer, my friends, is the defending champion Detroit Pistons.

The first part of their season was all messed up because of the big brawl with Indiana in November. The Pistons finally shook that off by winning the re-match against Indiana on Christmas Day. At that point, the Pistons were a middle-of-the-pack team.

Since Christmas they have won an incredible 72% of their games. Throw out the games Coach Larry Brown missed due to complications from hip surgery, and their record is well over 80% . They earned 11 straight wins to clinch their division. They even beat Miami, although Shaq was out with the afrementioned injury. It seems like they have turned it on.

Detroit has an incredibly perfect defensive front line of Tayshaun Prince (according to one sophisticated analysis, he's the eighth best player in the NBA, which is not bad for someone who was drafted 23rd overall in 2002 and has never even been a consideration for one of the league's 24 all-star slots), Rasheed Wallace, and the defensive player of the year Ben Wallace. That lets the guards get out and piss off other team's guards, which Miami doesn't like much. Here's what former NBA coach Don Casey has to say about that:

Detroit could really benefit from something I saw at the end of Game 2 in the New Jersey-Miami series. The Nets went to a zone press, a little two-two zone press, and it bothered Miami because they don’t have a pure penetrating, playmaking-type guard.

So Detroit is a player in this. And don't even get me started on Phoenix, who has to be considered the top threat to the Spurs.

My new prediction? A battle royale in the Eastern Conference Finals, with whoever wins between Miami and Detroit going on to beat San Antonio in the Finals.

Geek Dinner

2005-05-03T10:27:00.000-04:00

Last night my friend Randy and I went to the geek dinner in Grand Central Station that was organized by Steven Rubel--the face of blogging for PR--and Microsoft's celebrity blogger Robert Scoble.

It also turned out to be mildly historic--the party doubled as the 50th birthday party for Dave Winer who has been credited with possibly the first blog and RSS feeds. At a party like this, that makes him sort of king geek. (He has a certain Jerry Garcia-esque jolliness to his presence that makes him a natural focal point to boot.)

It was my first geek event of any kind. And I'll say this for geeks--they're very nice!

There also just aren't all that many of them. The group of communications pioneers who are changing the world, threatening the networks, and revolutionizing communications all fit into the small Two Boots pizza joint tucked into the downstairs corner of Grand Central Station.

Plenty of people were taking photos and videotaping things. It was like being at a wedding with all the flashbulbs going off. One such fellow, Ramon Ray, interviewed lots of people about blogging, including me! There is about half an hour of video (I'm near the end) on his website.

Here's the hilarious part: on Ramon's website, there is a list of who's interviewed. Down at the end it goes like this:

Dave Winer, RSS Co-creator, www.reallysimplesynidcation.com
Steve Rubel, PR/Blog guru, www.MicroPersuasion.com
Henry Abbott, Sports Writer, www.thebigball.blogspot.com
Robert Scoble, Microsoft Devloper, http://scoble.weblogs.com/

One of these things is not like the other...

Overheard in the Detroit Pistons Locker Room

2005-04-30T18:24:00.000-04:00

I am working on some articles about the Detroit Pistons for the NBA Finals program (if the Pistons make it, the articles will be used. If Miami beats Detroit, no one will ever read these...), so I went to the Pistons-Sixers game in Philadelphia to do some research.

As I was milling around in the Detroit locker room, waiting for guard Richard Hamilton to return from the showers so I could ask him about mid-range jumpers, I overheard the American veteran Elden Campbell chatting with second-year Serbian import Darko Milicic. Campbell was asking Milicic, whose English is passable at best, where he was going for dinner after the game.

"Friday's?" he asked. "You like Friday's? There's a Friday's right across the street from the hotel..."

Milicic mumbled something I couldn't hear.

"Cheese cake? You want to try Philadelphia cheese cake?" barked Campbell. "No, man, you're talking about the sandwich with the meat, right?"

Milicic nodded.

"That, my friend, is Philadelphia cheese steak."

The Money Problem

2005-04-29T16:02:00.000-04:00

Last weekend when this blog was hopping with gay rights talk, some guy called Tom Maguire left a comment here.

Something about it seemed odd, so I googled him and found his blog, which funnily enough mentions me.

Then I read down a bit, found he had some interesting information about the whole Microsoft thing, including this quote from the religious man who is said to have inspired Microsoft to back off in the first place:

"What I was upset about," the pastor reportedly said, "was when they tried to step outside their four walls and make their policy my policy. That gave me the right to step out of my world into theirs."

I can hear a lot of conservatives saying "yay pastor!" on that one.

But let's remember--back when campaign finance reform was the big deal, conservatives across the board were opposed. They essentially said that money is speech and its expression is not to be curtailed.

So, let me get that straight: Corporations should be able to slather their money around wherever they like in the public square, unless it goes to a cause you don't agree with, in which case corporations are overstepping their bounds?

One other point: a lot of corporations support all sorts of causes, including theater troupes, symphony orchestras, little leagues baseball diamonds and more. In this crazy world of ours, I'm sure every single one of those things has opponents. Are those examples, Mr. Pastor, of corporations stepping inappropriately outside their four walls?

Real Life NBA

2005-04-29T09:24:00.000-04:00

Maybe you're not like me. Maybe you don't wonder what it's really like to play in the NBA. I'm not talking about being rich or playing a game for a living.

I'm talking about having people befriend you for the wrong reasons, having to work out all the time or lose a step to the competition, eating ten thousand meals a year in restaurants, never being home, and trying to make conversation with athletes all the time.

Not that I pity NBA players by any stretch of the imagination. We all have it tough. They have it less tough, to be sure.

I just bet that, in terms of all those small quality of life things, it's hardly a dream.

But don't take my word for it. Here's a lengthy direct report from the last guy on the bench of the NBA's best team so far this year, the Phoenix Suns.

Ticketmaster Update

2005-04-25T14:07:00.000-04:00

Here's the latest response John got from Ticketmaster, which to my ear is so dizzyling loaded down with obfuscation that I'm too lazy to even really follow the reasoning:

(Not sure what this is about? It all started here.)

Dear John,

Thank you for contacting us regarding order processing fee charged by Ticketmaster to all orders. Please be informed that an order processing fee is charged for every order as this covers the delivery options of U.S. Mail or will call. As an added convenience, certain events offer ticketFast delivery. This delivery method is optional at an additional fee, as this allows the convenience of receiving tickets within 24 hours of the ticket purchase. A detailed description of all the charges to be made are advised at the time of purchase, and as confirmed at the time of purchase, there are no refunds, exchanges or cancellations.

We apologize that we charge additional fee only for the convenience of purchasing tickets over the phone or internet. However, you are able to purchase tickets in person through the box office directly without having paid for services provided by Ticketmaster.

As a service oriented company, the satisfaction of our customers is always our utmost concern. Ticketmaster regrets that an issue may have negatively impacted our valued customers, and would like to extend our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience created by this situation. Your feedback will be provided to the proper group responsible for your inquiry.

Again, I apologize for the inconvenience created by this situation, and hope that this provides you with more insight into our processes.

Sincerely,
Sara (Customer Support)

John's sharpening his pen to respond now, and open to suggestions, which you can post in the comments.

I'm encouraging him to make a little bar graph that shows what percentage of purchase price different online businesses collect in handling fees. For instance, you can pay a tiny percentage in handling fees for airline tickets. The handling fees at Amazon are tiny. Let's show Sara all that very clearly and simply ask: what gives?

Albom Fallout

2005-04-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

A while ago Weasel and I had a fabulous comments back-and-forth about Detroit Free Press superstar columnist Mitch Albom, who was caught with his truth down in a recent article. One of the 10,000 points I made in the comments was that this would hurt his reputation.

Case in point: go here and scroll down to the last entry on the page. His name has become a synonym for pure BS from the leading sports publication in the nation (and Albom's sometimes employer).

Mitch Albom is not enjoying that, I promise.

Robert Scoble: He's No Censor

2005-04-22T14:54:00.000-04:00

In case you didn't read the posts below, the story goes like this:

The New York Times has a story today about Microsoft withdrawing its support of a gay rights bill in Washington state, possibly due to pressure from an influential local church.
I visited the website of Microsoft's celebrity blogger Robert Scoble to see how he was handling the issue.
He had a post that was four-square in favor of gay rights.
Others had commented in a way that struck me as anti-gay. (Click on comments.)
I left a comment that was really, more than anything, pro-human rights.
People commented on my comment supportively, including this guy called Alfredo Octavio.
Then it disappeared!
I declared that I had been censored by Microsoft, and e-mailed Robert Scoble.
He replied immediately that he had not censored anything and I should try posting again,
I posted again, and it was deleted again!

Now, however, the problem appears to have been solved at last. The kindly Robert Scoble has apologized, and re-posted my comments (with attribution) under his own name. I don't what he could do better to demonstrate that he wasn't trying to stifle opinion.

His guess: somehow the thing was being ditched by his spam filter. Who knows. I'm glad it's sorted out.

UPDATE: His post has come down too. No idea why. The person I know who's savviest about computers says he's clearly being hacked. Who knows.

Censored by Microsoft!

2005-04-22T11:19:00.000-04:00

Read the post below and you'll read some comments that I left on the blog of Microsoft blogger Robert Scoble an hour or two ago.

Since then, people have commented on them. So they have been up and read by the public.

But now there are gone!

Wonder what part of my basic human rights speech they didn't like at Microsoft.

UPDATE: I e-mailed Robert Scoble to find out why the comment was deleted. He responded immediately that it wasn't! He never deletes comments. I applaud his quick response, and his policy. Yet it's gone, somehow, which is a little mystifying. He has urged me to re-post it. Here goes.

I'd Hate to be Robert Scoble Today

2005-04-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

Being the face of Microsoft to bloggers is great on a lot of days, but not on the day when The New York Times has an article that starts like this on its cover:

The Microsoft Corporation, at the forefront of corporate gay rights for decades, is coming under fire from gay rights groups, politicians and its own employees for withdrawing its support for a state bill that would have barred discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Many of the critics accused the company of bowing to pressure from a prominent evangelical church in Redmond, Wash., located a few blocks from Microsoft's sprawling headquarters.

Talk about a flip flop.

To me it's simple: either you think homosexuals are humans deserving of basic rights, in which case you have to fight for them, or you think they are subhuman and not deserving of basic rights. What's Microsoft's take? I'm confused. We all have to cave to political pressure sometimes on some things, but not on basic human rights. I don't see a lot of wiggle room for Microsoft on this one, and bloggers will rightly be making Scoble squirm in the next few days.

Update: He has already addressed it here. He's outspokenly pro gay-rights, which I applaud.

But read the comments from other people on his blog. There are several saying they applaud Microsoft for a shift to being "neutral" on the issue of gay rights, rather than carrying out a pro-gay agenda.

So I got on my soapbox and left the following self-righteous comment (if you scroll down in his comments section you'll see it):

To all you who want Microsoft to be neutral on this topic: There is no neutral when people's basic human rights are being compromised. Either you're against it, or you're complicit.

It's like when the school bully is taking it to a younger kid. Watching is not OK.

Aren't we all glad Abe Lincoln wasn't neutral on slavery? Historians know we almost stayed neutral too long in World War II.

Surely we all have heard this quote from Pastor Martin Niemoller. I bought a postcard of it at the Holocaust Museum, and it's on my desk right now:

First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me.

The Columbia River is Devoid of Salmon

2005-04-21T11:28:00.000-04:00

The Columbia River is massive--the largest on the west coast. According to this article, however, it is almost devoid of salmon:

Governments have spent billions of dollars to rebuild the population after overfishing, logging, agriculture and development decimated salmon, placing a dozen species on lists of threatened and endangered fish.

Scientists have been unable to explain why so few fish returned this spring.

They have reviewed several theories, such as sea lions eating the salmon or large numbers of smolts dying on the spring migration to the ocean.

It ain't no sea lion. I know the truth--and I have photo documentation to prove it. Here's my stepdad removing one of the Columbia's salmon just the other day:

The Nitty Gritty of the NBA Draft Lottery

2005-04-21T00:27:00.000-04:00

If there is a geeky bone in your body, and you are an NBA fan at all, I beg you to take a look at this fascinating and incredibly thorough academic examination of the NBA Draft Lottery. I have two reactions: I could read it again and again with a grin of satisfaction on my face the entire time. But I also can't believe our nation's precious research dollars and bright minds are going to this meaningless crap.

Anyway, it's great. You should read it.

(If you have trouble with the link above, try this.)

I am now a published book reviewer

2005-04-18T17:21:00.000-04:00

A few years ago I read This Organic Life by Joan Dye Gussow, the legend of gardening, eating locally, and homesteading.

I believe in all of these principles very dearly, and in fact this past weekend we just planted a bunch of blueberry bushes and veggies. But she's a bit of a hard-ass. She goes on for several sentences about how she'd love to eat a banana, but she can't bring herself to eat a food that requires so much petroleum etc. to get here.

I sort of wrestled with that. Surely, she's a maniacal zealot on this point. But is she right?

A few weeks ago--after a few drinks--it suddenly struck me out of the blue: for my tastes, she was too strict. Life is short. We must smile. If a banana will make you smile, then eat the damn banana, I say. (It's not like she has a passion for beating people up, or something that's REALLY hurtful.) We should all try to make the world a better place however we can. But bananas aren't the worst thing in the world. She should learn from Warren Zevon, who recorded an album while suffering with terminal cancer. He called it "Enjoy Every Sandwich."

So I went to the website of her publisher, and they had a thing where readers could send in reviews. I dashed off a smarmy one. A few minutes ago, I got an e-mail that they had published it. Hilarious!

The Blazers Have Betrayed Me

2005-04-18T08:33:00.000-04:00

The team I love is the Portland Blazers, and this has not been a good year for them.

A few weeks ago, they fired coach Maurice Cheeks and more or less openly decided not to try to win too many games--preferring instead to play the young players.

I agreed wholeheartedly with both moves, especially as losing extensively at this stage of the game will dramatically improve the draft pick they will get this June. As it is they are likely to get the fourth or fifth pick, and thanks to the lottery system the NBA uses, they could luck into the first, second, or third pick. More losing increases the chances of that.

In short, our talented young nucleus will soon have yet another top young player, which is fantastic. Watch out for us in 2008.

But things got a little but screwed up yesterday, when we played Utah. We had been tied with Utah in the standings. But then we did the unthinkable. We beat them.

It was a callous lack of discipline. It was arrogant and immature. With the regular season ending Thursday, this will probably cost us the fourth pick in the draft.

Under the regimented discipline of Utah coach Jerry Sloan, the Jazz knew far better than we did how to lose. I tip my hat to them. They just did a better job. Hopefully we can learn from their example.

Five years from now, let's compare who the Jazz and Blazers get from this draft, and remember this game. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there's a big difference.

Ticketmaster and the $4.05

2005-04-15T21:55:00.000-04:00

Scroll down to see how this all began.

Anyway, in near real-time, here is John's latest salvo in the war against Ticketmaster.

Dear Scott,

Thanks SO much for your reply. I wasn't quite clear on the meaning of the Ticketmaster order processing fee the first time Andrea laid it out for me, but your verbatim repetition cleared it right up.

Unfortunately, now I'm really confused. See, Andrea told me that the convenience fee covers "ticket distribution, installation and maintenance of computer hardware and software, telephone lines, labor, and all other costs associated with the ticket transaction." If that is the case, I don't understand how any technology necessary for electronic distribution should be subject to a per-ticket delivery fee. Funnily enough, I actually work for a company whose primary business is business process automation, and it was my understanding that investment in technical infrastructure was just that: an investment undertaken by the company in anticipation of future cost savings.

In any case, I believe I am still owed my order processing fee of $4.05, as I did not avail myself of any Ticketmaster "ticket stock, ticket printers, ink/toner, and envelopes." In all honesty, I had actually been a little worried when I submitted my original request that the infrastructure necessary to generate the PDF version of my tickets would fall under the "includes but is not limited to" stipulation in the enumeration of ticket printing and distribution costs that are paid for with the order service charge. I am relieved to know that those costs are accounted for in the delivery fee, whether or not I agree with their being placed there.

Again, payment of my $4.05 can be refunded to my credit card of record or mailed to my billing address.

Thanks,
John

The Ticketmaster Saga Rolls On

2005-04-15T16:53:00.000-04:00

I'll spare you the bulk of Ticketmaster's woe-is-me response, but the gist is that John will not be getting his $4.05 for the following reason:

Ticketmaster has implemented a delivery fee on all orders delivered via Ticketmaster's ticketFast delivery option. The ticketFast delivery fee helps Ticketmaster pay for its investment in the technology that makes this service possible, including product and software development, as well as, thousands of barcode scanners installed at the venues multiple access points.

They still haven't addressed John's original point, which is that he objects to all the ticky-tacky charges. It seems like a smarmy way to bilk someone. What if McDonald's had "food-handling fee?" At some point, you say "ahh, for God's sake, just tell me the price. This little jedi mind trick of lots of little charges isn't working on me."

Ticketmaster Responds

2005-04-15T14:03:00.000-04:00

This is a minor miracle! John's letter to ticketmaster got a response.

Dear John,

Thank you for your e-mail. Ticketmaster is a business that provides a service for a fee. Ticketmaster charges service fees in the same manner that a travel agent might charge for the convenience of using its service.

The Ticketmaster convenience charge pays for ticket distribution, installation and maintenance of computer hardware and software, telephone lines, labor, and all other costs associated with the ticket transaction. Ticketmaster does not benefit financially from the actual face value of the ticket. Our charge provides the convenience of being able to purchase tickets either online, through our Charge-by-phone lines, or in person at a Ticketmaster outlet.

If you wish to purchase tickets without the convenience charge you may purchase tickets in person at the venue box office.

Ticketmaster charges an order processing fee on all orders to cover the cost of materials required to print and distribute tickets. This fee is applied regardless of whether the tickets will be held at the box office Will Call window or shipped to your billing address. These materials include, but are not limited to, such items as ticket stock, ticket printers, ink/toner, and envelopes. If the US Postal Service delivers your tickets, the fee also covers the cost of postage.

If you have any further questions, please reply, and include all previous correspondence.

Sincerely,
Andrea (Customer Support)

He has already replied as follows:

Dear Andrea,

Thank you very much for your scripted reply. You didn't specifically enumerate the delivery charge, but I suspect it would be something like, "Ticketmaster charges a per order delivery fee to cover the cost of ticket delivery. The allocation of these funds depends on the mode of delivery selected; for example..."

There are just two more things I'm not quite clear on:

1. If the order processing fee covers the cost of postage when my tickets are delivered through the US postal service, what does the delivery fee cover in that case? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not recall seeing any free delivery options when I placed my order.

2. I appreciate your specification of the costs covered by the per-order processing fee. However, I had my tickets delivered electronically, and will thus be providing the ticket stock and ink myself. By my reckoning, Ticketmaster therefore owes me a $4.05 refund. Payment can be credited to my credit card account, or you can remit a check to my billing address.

Thank you,
John

If he gets the $4.05 he should frame it. I'll keep you posted.

Mitch Albom's Unethical Column

2005-04-12T09:20:00.000-04:00

I spend a fair amount of time in the pack of NBA reporters. They are, by and large, surly, humorless, rote, bitter, jealous, cranky, and joyless.

A few of them, however, are supernovas. Once in a while, one will make it big in some way or another, transcend the pack, and bring sunshine to the pressroom.

One of the best examples of such a writer is the talented and touching Mitch Albom of the Detroit Free Press. After writing the best-selling Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven he must have made about as much money as a writer can make. But he's still in the pack covering the NBA, still writing about it for the Free Press, and still about the best in the business. So you have to salute him for that.

But he recently did a big bad thing. He wrote this column which was essentially a pack of lies. He wrote about stuff that was supposed to happen, but hadn't yet.

He interviewed former college teammates, and current NBA players, Mateen Cleaves and Jason Richardson and wrote, on Friday, about how they were going to get together to watch their alma mater on Saturday. Only, his column was coming out on Sunday, so he wrote in the past tense about how they had already watched the game together. He mentions what they wore, how they got there, a whole bunch of stuff.

Then it never happened. They reportedly had scheduling conflicts and didn't go to the game. But the column came out all the same.

Now there are investigations and apologies galore.

Of course, shame on Albom and the Free Press both for letting this happen. There should be two safeguards against this: no one should ever make crap up and stick it in a news story, and aggressive editors should go to great lengths to make sure they never publish fabrications.

After the initial errors, however, I salute the Free Press for its very public handling of this. Most papers would have taken his offending column off their website, for instance, but instead they attached a plain English explanation of his mistake over the column. The publisher and editor apologized. Albom apologized (His one fault here: he said he considered the parts he got wrong to be "details." That's misleading. They may have been tangential to his main point, but they are still the core facts of his story.). The public editor got on the case.

Some people are upset that such a fuss is being made about this. Not me. I support the public airing of Mitch Albom's dirty laundry. He's great. But he screwed up this time. Harmless as the column was--its underlying point was to enjoy yourself while you're young--it was on a slippery slope heading straight to having make-believe crap in our newspapers. No, no, no, we can't have that.

Robotic Camel Jockeys

2005-04-11T19:42:00.000-04:00

Two new blessings we should apparently all be counting: that we're not racetrack camels, and that we're not racetrack camel jockeys.

About a dozen different things about this article simply blow my mind.

Sexuality Education

2005-04-09T11:14:00.000-04:00

Since last fall, I have been co-teaching a group of eighth- and ninth-graders in the curruculum of Our Whole Lives, which is a pretty remarkable sexuality education program.

This is not the sort of thing I had ever done before, but it is amazing and I recommend it wholeheartedly. Rather than teaching the simple mechanics of condom use, or the simplistic "no means no," it teaches things plenty of us adults would be wise to learn. For instance, how in relationships of all kinds, it is wise to learn how to be assertive, as opposed to passive or aggressive.

If everyone had that skill, we could eliminate 90% of the the world's troubles.

But I digress.

The news I really have today is this: in preparing for tomorrow's class on rape and sexual abuse, I learned a shocking thing: people who run programs for at-risk youth estimate that as many at 100% of the girls (and maybe even the same percentage of boys) are victims of sexual abuse. 75% of those were abused by someone they knew well.

To me, this gives a powerful new argument for a big effort to prevent sexual abuse. Consider that when "Uncle Charlie" or whoever slips into a little kid's room, he has more than one victim, because in many cases he is essentially ruining the life of the child. He is dramatically increasing the likelihood she will get in all sorts of trouble, and need the intervention of the state, the police, corrections facilities, counselors, the list goes on...

There are people in this world who decide priorities based entirely on dollars. Memo to them: Uncle Charlie is costing a lot of dollars.

You could almost make the argument that if the Uncle Charlies of the world could learn to control themselves, we might not need programs for at-risk youth anymore. And if we didn't have at-risk youth, who knows how much the prison population might fall. And if the prison population fell dramatically, who knows how many more families would be united and happy. And if more kids were raised in happy, healthy families, who knows how much less drug abuse there would be. And there were less drug abuse...

Sorry, I slipped off into liberal utopia for a second.

Anyway, I think it's fair to say that "Uncle Charlie" is to blame for A LOT, and it's no good turning a blind eye to it. I know, no one wants to call the cops on a family member. But the alternatives are devestating.

Mitch Hedberg Died

2005-04-07T13:29:00.000-04:00

Who the hell was he? I didn't know either. This morning a friend faxed me a bunch of jokes. One went like this:

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario where I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut... To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut... I've got the documentation right here... "

I thought the whole thing was pretty hilarious. I did a little search (actually, for the phrase "doughnut, end of transaction") which revealed millions of websites of his jokes, and the terrible news that the guy who wrote them all was called Mitch Hedberg and he died on Friday! There's a nice little write up from a college magazine about him here.

If the IRS Fulfilled Its Mission, There'd Be No TurboTax

2005-04-06T15:40:00.000-04:00

I can understand that it's always going to be hard to pay your taxes. But why does it have to be so tough to file your taxes?

According to the IRS website, the agency's mission is to: "Provide America's taxpayers top quality service by helping them understand and meet their tax responsibilities..."

If that's their mission, then they are failing miserably. A MASSIVE, multi-trillion dollar industry (including accounting, bookkeeping, all those software companies) exists solely to duplicate the core mission: helping Americans "understand and meet their tax responibilities." If that's what the IRS is doing, then what the hell does H&R Block do?

Imagine if you needed to hire a professional, or buy software, just to get a fishing license or pay a parking ticket. Anyone would tell you it's simply not good enough. The government agency involved, we would all insist, must go back to the drawing board and find a better way to interact with the public.

The IRS should too.

Take that argument a step further. Imagine that half the population bought a "fishing license paperwork tool" to make buying fishing licenses easier (much like so many of us own TurboTax or similar to make paying taxes easier). If you're the government honcho in charge of making buying fishing licenses easier, wouldn't you want to copy that tool and make it your new way of doing business?

Or, to put it another way, shouldn't the government give us all some free Uncle Sam version of TurboTax? It has been field tested and proven to meet the needs of millions of Americans. Far more than anything the IRS provides, TurboTax helps people "understand and meet their tax responsibilities." What does it say if that's the IRS's main mission, but a private company does it in tandem and better? We're paying the IRS to do that job for us. We shouldn't have to pay Intuit to do it too. It's massive incompetence, compounded over decades. Who's going to fix it?

Clifford Ray Knows Basketball

2005-04-06T10:58:00.000-04:00

Earlier I talked about how I'd love it if my beloved Portland Blazers made Orlando Assistant Coach Clifford Ray their next coach. Here's a new article about how great he is from the dean of NBA reporters, Sam Smith.

John's Letter to Ticketmaster

2005-04-06T10:23:00.000-04:00

This is a letter my brother-in-law John sent to Ticketmaster:

Dear Ticketmaster,

I just made my first purchase with you in quite a long time, and I can't even describe how appalled and irritated your service makes me.

It's one thing to gouge me on the handling fees. Should your business practices be ruled illegal and monopolistic in some sort of settlement involving gross civil and punitive damages? Yes. However, I recognize that, until our government stops listening to your lobbying firms, or whatever other dubious means you employ to maintain power, you are operating under the generally accepted tenets of capitalist society, so rock on.

My problem is simply that you make these pathetic efforts to apportion the funds you suck unmercifully out of us poor saps who have the misfortune to enjoy, well, any live event on earth.

Take my recent purchase. Somehow, the 5 minutes I spent on your website and the 49KB file you sent with my tickets was worth:

- $7/ticket for convenience
- $4.05 for processing
- $2.50 for the delivery

Let's think about this. We'll start with item 1, convenience. There is no doubt that TicketMaster offers a convenient service. It might be slightly more convenient if there were an inconvenient alternative with which to compare it--say, permitting the box office or any other entity on earth to also sell the tickets--but I will not deny that it is quite convenient to get the tickets that are required in order to attend any given event. Without the tickets, I couldn't go, and that would be decidedly inconvenient.

It's the addition of the final two that really trips me up. The $2.50 delivery sort of makes sense. I mean, I don't know why a 49KB email should cost as much as an international fax, but I'll give it to you that you need mail servers, PDF generation software, technical staff, etc. Then there's $4.05 to "process." See, I really though that the delivery of the tickets, combined with the "convenient" means of finding them was really all the processing you had to do. And, now that I think about it, one might even say that the "convenience" of your service encompasses--or is probably limited to--the fact that you process and deliver tickets for people. I mean, I probably wouldn't be so nice about the $7/ticket for convenience if you didn't give them to me, or if you skipped some processing step that meant someone else was sitting in my seats, so why do I have to pay twice?

(I will gloss over the fact that sheer magnitude of your fees--$34.55 for my 4 ticket, 5-minute transaction--could have legitimately paid the staff of an entire box office for an hour.)

Basically, what I'm asking is: why you gotta play me like that? If you're going to charge me a 27% surcharge to get tickets, can't you at least be polite about the whole thing? Can't you add a single line-item labeled "you're a sucker" to the invoice and put all the charges there? I mean, this is in your interest too--people are going to ask questions when you have to really start reaching for fee names (cuddle charge? we didn't break anything?).

Thanks for your time,
John

Politeness

2005-04-04T17:56:00.000-04:00

As a parent who loves to hear kids say "please" and "thank you" I understand the value of politeness. I'm on board. I think it's part of being nice, and if you're not being nice, you're being mean.

But, on the other hand, there is a line. If you cross that line, you're not being polite, you're being odd and misleading.

For me that line falls somewhere this side of the phrase "dog dirt." I heard that for the first time a few years ago and couldn't believe that an adult would actually say that to another adult. This is allegedly a polite way of saying "dog poop." But to me, it's not the polite way to say it, because that's simply not what it means. Dirt is one thing, poop is another. Dirt on your shoes is an everyday occurence. Poop on your shoes is cause for immediate cleaning.

If you call if dog dirt, you're just in denial. It's poop, people! SH*$! (That's the polite way of writing...)

Another example of a similar thing: the litter box. News flash: that stuff in their ain't litter! If I show up at your house with an empty bag of chips and a soda can, that's litter. What would you think if I put that stuff in your litter box?

To me that's sort of like if someone says "would you mind helping me lift this heavy thing?" and you say "yes" to be polite, even though you have a bad back or some other reason not to want to help. "Yes" in that instance is not polite, it's a lie. And I think it's usually mean to lie to people. Because when you go to the hospital after lifting their file cabinet, they're going to wish you'd given them the opportunity to find someone else to help.

The Boss

2005-03-31T19:31:00.000-05:00

You know how in the 1960s popular music is said to have played a leading role in major cultural changes? It's a little hard for me to imagine that happening today. By and large, our music just seems so flimsy and meaningless. I mean, if Destiny's Child set out to destroy George W. Bush, how far do you think they'd get? (Would he even know?) Most of our top-selling musicians are, sadly, just not all that credible as cultural critics. They're hit-makers.

But holy cow--have you heard the new Bruce Springsteen album Devils & Dust? It plays pretty hard on God and fear and how bullying Iraqis is hard on our souls. And Mister "Born in the USA" might actually be the kind of guy politicians should pay a little attention to.

You have to hear the song to get the feel of its power. But just to give you a sample:

I've got my finger on the trigger
Tonight faith just ain't enough
And I look inside my heart
There's just devils and dust

But I've got God on my side
And I'm just trying to survive
But if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love

Fear is a dangerous thing
It'll turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God-filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust

The Chickenpox Vaccine

2005-03-30T14:57:00.000-05:00

I'm against giving it to kids. Why? Because the chickenpox just isn't that bad for kids, and once they get it, they have perfect, lifetime immunity from the disease.

For adults, especially pregnant women, however, chickenpox can be extremely dangerous--fatal even. And we don't really know if the vaccine provides lifetime immunity. Researchers theorize it does, but no one was getting it fifty years ago, so we don't have the benefit of hindsight. No one knows for sure. We could, in theory, have a generation of adults who are vulnerable to chickenpox. Surely that's worse than a bunch of kids getting it.

To me the perfect plan is to hope your kid gets a mild case of chickenpox at some point, and if they don't, then give them the vaccine some time in the teen years. So that is why we asked our doctor not to give the vaccine to our 18-month old. The state requires it by the time she goes to school, but we were hoping she have already had chickenpox by then.

But today, the doctor's office made a mistake of some kind, and they gave it to her! They did so without our knowledge, and after we had explicitly said we didn't want them to do that on a previous visit.

I'm a little shocked and pissed off about it. No, it's not the biggest deal in the world. A lot of people love their kids getting this vaccine. Most likely it won't it will harm her in any way.

But as long as we are acting within the law, I absolutely think my wife and I should get to make those decisions--and if ever anyone at the doctor's office is unsure, they should double-check! And just imagine if in a few years they find the vaccine doesn't give lifetime immunity. What a disservice and hassle.

Also, one last bit of rant: even though it was clearly a mistake, you can bet we won't be getting an apology. Why? Because malpractice insurers tell health care professionals never to apologize for anything--it's an admission of guilt and useable in court. That's kind of sad. The truth is there's no chance I'd sue the doctor in this case, and an apology would make me feel better about them than ever. But as it is, I feel a little betrayed.

Quote of the Night

2005-03-29T23:02:00.000-05:00

We just had a couple over. She's a vet.

"At the end of the day," she casually says, "that testicle is ending up in a bin somewhere."

What's Up With CNN?

2005-03-28T15:27:00.000-05:00

There's a very interesting article on yahoo right now about House Speaker Tom Delay. (He's the corrupt, maniacal jerk who controls Congress.) He has been very high on his horse lately about Terry Schiavo. He has been shredding our Constitution, and Terry Schiavo's dignity, in getting the federal government very involved.

It has been unclear whether or not he did all that out of personal religious conviction, or simply to curry favor with a certain bloc of influential donors and voters.

Now an AP article on yahoo reports that Delay concurred with his family's pulling the plug on his own father in 1988. So that would seem to nix the personal conviction angle, leaving us with a clearly exposed fraud of a House Speaker.

I went over to cnn.com to see that they had to say about it, and for about the millionth time since Bush took office, here was a story that made the GOP look bad that somehow didn't make the news at CNN. Please, can we all now agree that the major news media are not all liberal?

The Upanishads

2005-03-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

I think maybe I should change the name of this blog to "bear with me," because I am liable to change topics like crazy.

Case in point: a few minutes ago I wrote about diaper snacks. That's so goofy I don't even know what it is.

Now here we go with the classics of sacred Indian literature.

So, please bear with me.

It goes like this. When I was in high school, my academic advisor was the school librarian. Every few months we would meet in the library and talk about my academic career. It was nice enough.

One day either I was running early and she was running late, so I was killing a little bit of time in the library. I decided to linger in plain view, so that we could see me as she bustled about helping some students. The ideal spot happened to be in the religion section.

Eventually I grabbed a book off the shelf to peruse. It happened to be the Upanishads, which is about three thousand years old and the source of a lot of India's religious thought. (Don't forget, India is the home of Hinduism and Buddhism, so that's a lot of religious thought we're talking about.)

I read the book for maybe a total of fifteen seconds before she was ready to see me. I read a sentence or two. But they have stuck with me for all this time. The gist of it was this (forgive the horribly bad paraphrase that is doubtless muddied with time--after all, I'm a guy who can't remember making up the phrase "pantless weekend" a few weeks ago, and this thing happened decades ago) : there are some things in life that are honey at the outset, and bitter lemon at the close. There are other things that are lemon at the outset, and sweet honey at the end.

That's it. That's the whole thing.

But it's an amazingly handy bit of perspective. Let's take heroin. From what I've heard, it's about the sweetest thing out there when you're new to it. But after a while, being a heroin user tends to get pretty bitter, right?

Or let's take things like going to work, cleaning, exercising, or getting an education. They are very often the very bitterest thing imaginable, but when you're all done--that's sweet!

Before I read that thing, I used to be tempted to think of things in terms of "is it something I want to do?" or "is it something I don't want to do?"

(There's a TV commercial where a guy gets three wishes. He ends up on a desert island with his dog and a lifetime supply of beer. I see the appeal, but that's the classic example of something that would be good in the long run. If you have ever woken up in nature--far from running water--after drinking too much, would know that this is really not a dream scenario at all, but the kind of dehydration nightmare that might inspire you to trespass at someone's private cabin at 5 am to slurp from their garden hose, only to have them yell at you as you speed off in your friend's Subaru.. It could happen, trust me.)

But in truth, the categories aren't nearly as simple as that. Getting what you want--meaningful, lasting happiness, for instance--is much more complicated than getting what you want right now. I think this line from the Upanishads can help sort that out. It's like informed free will.

Bad Parenting Ideas

2005-03-26T11:28:00.000-05:00

I carry a little notebook in my pocket and jot things down once in a while, like the kind of lock I need to buy at Home Depot, directions to a friend's house, or my mother-in-law's incredible banana cream pie recipe.

Then, every now and again, there is entry like this:

Things You Should Never Do With Your Baby

Icy Diaper Wipes
"Tequila Worm" Dinner
Diaper Snacks
Pantless Weekend
Help Daddy Scrape Old Paint
Catch the Strange Dog
Poish the Shiny Staircase

The funny thing is that I have no recollection whatsoever of writing that down.

Kyrgyz

2005-03-25T10:50:00.000-05:00

Now that's a word most American's can't pronounce.

I'm not sure whether to be mystified, or impressed, that it is nonetheless all over the news these days.

Terry Schiavo is Bad for President Bush

2005-03-24T11:55:00.000-05:00

From the beginning I think we have almost all felt that this sad story was intensely personal and, right or wrong, feeding tube or no feeding tube, should not be trotted out in the media day in and day out. It seems to have the effect of making this poor personal family crisis into a freak show.

Why, then, do we hear so much about it? Because, I had thought, it was what evangelical Christians wanted us to hear about, and they hold sway over our government in many ways. Well, that's partly true, but now there is a new CBS poll that shows even the vast majority of evangelicals do not like the government's getting involved in the Terry Schiavo case.

This is heart-warming in two ways. First, it means we are all more alike than we realized (a huge majority of every group polled, from liberals to evangelicals, wants the government to butt out). Second, it means that the Bush administration's unprincipled obedience to a few errant nutjobs from the extremities of the religious community is finally catching up to them politically: The same poll finds Bush's approval rating down six points, to 43 percent, since a month ago.

Remember the Pepsi Challenge?

2005-03-23T17:01:00.000-05:00

According to the book I'm reading, lots of people can tell Coke from Pepsi if they take a sip from two cups. But, interestingly, very few can succeed if you change the game slightly:

Get three glasses.
Put Pepsi in one.
Pour Coke in the two others.
Tell someone to taste them all and pick out the one that's different.

Most people can't do better than get it right a third of the time--which they would do from random chance. The truth is, most of us have a very hard time remembering flavors and comparing them to other flavors.

This book is full of interesting crap like that. And some of it is very useful. It's Malcolm Gladwell's Blink.

VOIP Update

2005-03-18T17:18:00.000-05:00

As I have mentioned before, we are getting VOIP through Vonage, and I promised to keep you updated on our efforts to save hundreds of dollars a month by ditching the local phone company for an internet-based phone service.

We are still in the set up phase.

So far, so complicated.

I had our local phone company here moving phone lines all around. We have to keep one phone line to carry the DSL that we use for high speed internet access. I wanted to take our home, office, and fax phone numbers with us to Vonage. You can't move the phone number of the line which your DSL is on though, so I had the DSL switched from our old fax line to the one extra line we would keep from the phone company.

Then much later I learned that for some stupid reason, Vonage won't let you take your fax line number with you. This information was not in their marketing materials. But our fax number is all over our letterhead, which costs about $1000 to reprint, so I wasn't eager to let that number go. I was stumped for a while.

But now it has occured to me that the only thing to do is to have the phone company back to move the DSL exactly where it used to be, on the fax line. We can fax on it and access the internet at the same time, which we have been doing for years. So I never had to have the phone company here in the first place. Double hassle, and it costs money every time they show up.

So I complained to Vonage, and they have agreed to give me $50 off, and they sent me two free hats. So that's not so bad, I guess. I mean, hats.

By the way, if you are considering signing up for VOIP, send me your e-mail address. If I refer you to Vonage, we both get a month of unlimited free calling in the U.S. What a deal! Maybe we'll end up with matching hats.

I Nominate Clifford Ray

2005-03-17T15:26:00.000-05:00

In the last few days I have been hard at work on a story about the 1975 NBA Champion Golden State Warriors. It has been a good reason to dig into the life story of Clifford Ray, who is simply one of the most incredible men in the NBA.

Without a lot of God-given size or ability, he manned the inside as Golden State won a championship in a season when they were supposed to suck.
His teammates credit him with creating one of the most harmonious and friendly rosters in the league, which is especially incredible when you consider that team was led by the famously cantankerous Rick Barry.
As an assistant coach who specializes in teaching big men, he has had miraculous results. If you follow his career, teams where he has been an assistant have been among the league's best in rebounding. Before and after his tenure, they were often among the worst. (That's a big deal, especially when you consider rebounding is in many ways the single most important statistic in determining which teamswin in the NBA.)

Clifford Ray is also a cancer survivor and a complete straight talker. I have interviewed him, several of his teammates, and his former coach in the last few days, and I come away with the impression that he should be someone's head coach, and soon. Players listen to him and respect him, which puts him head and shoulders above a lot of NBA coaches.

As a lifelong Portland fan, I think the Blazers should think about offering him the job after they finish trying and failing to lure Flip Saunders or Phil Jackson. The timing is right, too. Orlando fired his head coach, former Blazer guard Johnny Davis, a few hours ago. Instead of letting Coach Ray fill the slot, they bypassed him for a former minor league player called Chris Jent. I don't know the politics of it, but it seems that Ray may not be feeling so loyal to Orlando just now.

My First Yoga Class

2005-03-15T11:43:00.000-05:00

Not only am I man enough to go to a yoga class, but I am even man enough to admit it publicly.

For those of you who are now questioning my machismo, I will say only that if it's good enough for Michael Jordan, it's good enough for me.

I went to a swanky new place called Yogaphoria ("The Inner Health Club") which, you might notice on the website, comes with the recommendation of one Cindy Crawford. So there!

I had a great teacher in my beginning Ashtanga class. Her name is Shari and she knows when to gently push you into the proper position, just when to say nothing and let you sort it out for yourself, and just when to discreetly give you a block to sit on because your hips are so goddamned tight that you can't properly sit Indian style without falling over backwards.

A couple of tips for anyone considering going to their first yoga class:

you'll spend a lot of time doubled over--a loose shirt will be up around your neck making you feel stupid the whole time
plan on being barefoot, which means get that unsighlty athlete's foot taken care of before you go
it's BYO sticky mat
don't place said sticky mat too close to the woman next to you (it will be a woman) because you might then brush against each other from time to time, and she might think you're some kind of pervert

Sebastian Telfair

2005-03-14T14:40:00.000-05:00

My beloved Portland Blazers are in the midst of rebuilding. According to almost anyone, there is little reason for hope--everyone is so preoccupied with how bad the team is this year.

But me? When it comes to this team, I'm a fan. So I believe. And the reason I believe is because they really are building for the future. An NBA team can only have 15 players at any given time, and Portland currently has six--Sebastian Telfair, Travis Outlaw, Zach Randolph, Darius Miles, Viktor Khyrapa, and Sergei Monia--who should all be good in three or four years. We will be getting another high lottery pick this June. If we keep nurturing this nucleus and adding to it when the right characters come along for the right price, we'll be fine.

In the meantime, I have stopped even reading the articles about the players who aren't part of teh franchise's future, preferring instead to devour any articles about those young ones. One of the most in-depth analyses I have ever seen of any of these players comes from famed coach Phil Jackson's buddy Charley Rosen. It's about Telfair, the point guard of our future, who was at high school in Brooklyn a year ago.

See you at the Rose Garden in 2008.

How to Stop Dave DeBusschere

2005-03-14T11:55:00.000-05:00

Dave DeBusschere was a magnificent basketball player for the New York Knicks for years, including their most recent championship team (which was in 1973--before, I might add, all but four of the current Knicks were born). As a leader and a rebounder, he was simply unstoppable.

Although, it does kind of seem like my friend George might have figured out a way to stop him. He recently e-mailed me this story:

I was playing golf with my brother in law at his home course, West Hampton Country Club where Dave DeBusschere also played. We were teeing off on the tenth hole when my brother-in-law points out Debush. I am in awe to see this incredible athlete with shocking silver hair putting out. I turn and tee up my ball. I unload my drive and it hits the one telephone pole on the whole golf course just to the left of the tee, ricochets over our heads and hits Debush in the nuts.

We are at this point laughing hysterically while Debush is rolling around the green directly behind us in severe pain. About a year later I am walking down Wall Street to my office and Dave DeBusschere gets out of a limo, walks up to me and my brother-in-law and says to me "why didn't you yell fore?" I can't believe he remembers me and can only mutter, I'm sorry but I did yell "two." He laughs and invites us to lunch later that day. As it turns out he died about two years later in about the same spot he ran into me on Wall Street.

Bad News for Osama bin Laden

2005-03-11T09:53:00.000-05:00

(Bear with me, I'll get to Osama bin Laden.)

In basketball, and in life, there are tons of times when you are outmatched.

In basketball, one great way to deal with bigger, stronger, faster players is to use your head. Rather than obsessing about the fact that you can't outjump or outrun your opponent, you can often find success by thinking about what it is that your opponent does not want you to do. Players who are much bigger than you, for instance, do not want a lot of contact, because the referees' calls tend to favor poor little guys who get knocked to the ground, instead of the big brutes who knock them down. Similarly, very fast players tend to get it in their head that they will win by beating you to wherever you want to go. They get twitchy with anticipation. A good fake can send them sprawling.

We need to think like that in fighting Al Qaeda. Those people who are involved in hunting down Al Qaeda have for a long time played into Al Qaeda's hands, by trying to match Al Qaeda strength for strength. In short, as Al Qaeda has demonized the west, our leaders have demonized Islam. But, of course, emphasizing that division only makes Al Qaeda's meatheaded, violent approach seem more sensible.

But in Spain, it seems, someone has figured out the smart approach. According to this article, leading Spanish muslims have condemned Osama bin Laden. That's exactly the kind of thing he does not want. That kind of action erodes his influence more than any missile ever will. Building a bridge to moderate Muslims is a powerful idea all of our leaders should embrace, both because it's what our opponents do not want us to do, and because it's the right thing to do.

In fact, we don't even need to catch Osama bin Laden. I don't think it'll happen this way, but imagine if we could get 99.99% of Muslims to condemn his boneheaded, excessively violent approach. Without broad support, he's just another Montana Militia-type wingnut huddled somewhere in the woods, promising his people over cold spam that one day really really soon it'll all be better.

Election Soul Salvation

2005-03-10T11:15:00.000-05:00

I know, I'm about four months late in posting this, but for those of you who have ever felt directionless, dispirited, and perhaps even a little pissed off about the last election, I urge you to read this speech Forrest Church delivered the day after the elections.

If, on the other hand, you were thrilled with the last election, then I would argue it's even more important that you read the speech.

World's Worst Salesman

2005-03-08T10:08:00.000-05:00

Moments ago I was working away at my desk, when a man called asking for my wife (and business partner). I asked his name, and he lost all confidence. "Oh, gosh," he stammered, "you'll probably have to take a message. I'm just calling about no-fee 401(k)s. She said she wasn't interested when we spoke about six months ago. I don't suppose she'd be interested now, right? Maybe I'll just send a brochure if that's OK."

If you own stock in whatever company he's representing, sell now.

School Food

2005-03-07T09:55:00.000-05:00

Have you seen Supersize Me ?

It's a shocking documentary. The narrator, Morgan Spurlock, vomits on camera. He also has vital organs shutting down--just because he eats nothing but McDonald's food for a month.

But by far the most shocking thing of all, however, is the footage of school lunches. By 2005, we all know that eating deep fried, high-chemical soulless crap hastens us all to the grave. Agreed? Yet we actually pay our hard-earned tax dollars to encourage our children to not only eat but to also become addicted to exactly this kind of food. Our school lunch programs are shameful, and who knows how much various diseases and disorders (and ADD) could be reduced by offering only healthy food, like fruits, vegetables, whole grains to school kids.

People are finally starting to do something about it. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver now appears to be on the case. Ditto Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Stonyfield Farm has an action plan for parents which is one of the coolest business/political buddy systems I have ever seen (from a company whose founder, I have read, was the biggest individual supporter of Howard Dean's run for president).

The school lunch problem is so central to the American obesity/health crisis, that I am suspicious of any chef, doctor, author, pundit, etc. who publicly purports to want to solve this problem but is not working to be part of the solution. It's the 800-pound gorilla in the corner. (Or is that somebody's kid?)

Fitting Long Things Into Cars

2005-03-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

People who ski know how to fit something two meters long into a regular car. No sweat.

People who do not ski, on the other hand, get worried looks on their faces as they approach their sedans, with carts full of lumber in the Home Depot parking lot. They sometimes even have arguments about with their spouses.

In case you don't ski, it goes like this: Open the rear passenger door, ideally on the driver's side. Poke the feet of said long thing (could be a beanpole, ski, mannequin, etc.) between the front seats and into the spot where the passengers knees would go. Keep poking down into the foot area, until the ass end of the thing clears the door. Once the whole thing is in the car, back the ass end up until rests against the rear window, and center it straight down the middle of the car. The front will fall in nicely onto the passenger's side of the hand brake. There will even be room for four passengers, no sweat.

And if the skis still have ice packed into the bindings, then the kids who sit in the back (it's always the kids) will get dripped on starting about fifteen minutes after you start driving.

Maybe the Best Basketball Book I've Ever Read

2005-03-01T20:10:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading My Losing Season by Pat Conroy. He's the guy who wrote the Prince of Tides, Beach Music, and some other books (including, I just noticed, a cookbook).

In other words, he's a serious novelist (who's not above the occasional cookbook). But he's also a former starting NCAA division one point guard, and it's clear that basketball is the great passion of his life.

This book is about his childhood, especially his senior year hooping it up at the Citadel. His life then was full of abuse. Physical and mental abuse from his nightmarish father, physical and mental abuse in hazing at the Citadel, and mental abuse from his boneheaded coach. It's a wholly depressing pile of hopeless tragedy and sadness. There is no joy in this book whatsoever, except in four of life's finest things: friendship, writing, reading, and basketball.

And he's a very good writer, and I don't think there's a better book out there to give a true, first-hand account of the joys and anxieties of being on a sports team. This book is the star of my fledgling collection of good books about basketball.

We're Going to Space

2005-03-01T10:23:00.000-05:00

Speaking of the Big Ball, you know those images of earth from space that everyone loves so much? It's a view we all might actually enjoy one day.

I have never been all that into space. I mean, yes, of course I own the Star Wars trilogy and even watch it now and again even after all these years (and my dog is, in fact, part wookie). But I'm not one of those people who would give his eye teeth to go to space, and when you hear about nutty entrepreneurs spending millions to go to space, I see that like collecting tiaras--something you'd only do if you were absolutely demented with cash.

But I am writing an article right now about that nut Richard Branson, who has joined with some other poorly groomed billionaires to create Virgin Galactic. You can basically book now to go to space in 2008. Prices start at a cool $200,000.

You have to assume, however, that the prices for this kind of thing will drop pretty seriously as competition develops and the technology is streamlined. If the percentage drop rivals that of DVD players over the last few years, we might literally be going to space in our lifetimes. We really might all be astronauts. We might get to see the earth as a big ball. If not us, then certainly our kids.

It's a little hard to grasp.

Snow Closings

2005-02-28T16:32:00.000-05:00

It is snowing in New Jersey. People are going home from work and the kids are out of school (and, reports my wife, running amok in the public library).

I guess I can understand that. It is snowing pretty hard.

But has anyone noticed that these days they have a hair trigger on the ol' snow closings? Last week they let the kids out of school early in Flemington on a day when it didn't actually start snowing until after the school day would have ended. Today, several people left work hours ago, even though even the snow still hasn't stuck to the roads at all.

"And they wonder," says my friend Jill, who raised five kids, "why American kids are going soft."

(Not to sound like some grizzled old crank, but along those same lines, a few weeks ago I was playing full-court basketball with some teenagers. An hour and a half into it, one of them said he didn't want to guard me because I was sweaty. Yes, sweaty. As in "sweat-equity" and "1% inspiration, 99% perspiration." Of course, sweaty is a problem at work, and sweaty is a problem when you want to hug your clean loved ones. I did not think sweat would ever be a problem in the gym.)

Meditating

2005-02-27T15:23:00.000-05:00

Sort of the ultimate weirdo thing to do, isn't it? I mean, talk about an activity that you could be chastised for!

I just did it for the first time in a very long time. I sat on the floor. I eventually convinced the dog not to lick my face. Then I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths.

It lasted five minutes. Less time than it takes me to shave.

But wow. The feeling afterwards is totally different than the feeling before. It's sort of a strong, calm, realistic optimism. Good stuff.

NBA Trading Deadline

2005-02-24T20:47:00.000-05:00

I have had about ten e-mails in the last few hours to talk about the big trade in the NBA today: which brings the Philadelphia 76ers Chris Webber, long the star of the Sacramento Kings, to compliment Philly's franchise player, Allen Iverson.

Here's my take: this trade puts Iverson in the hot seat.

He has been a top NBA player for years, he was even the league MVP in 2001, but he hasn't won a title. For much of his career (except that magical run that resulted in a trip to the 2001 Finals) his teams haven't even been all that good. The excuse through the years has been that he hasn't ever had a big-name teammate.

Chris Webber is certainly a big name (and big contract!).

Iverson's not getting any younger. The Sixers are spending money. The next two or three years are Iverson's chance to show he can lead a team to the promised land--and secure a place in the Hall of Fame.

I think it's iffy. But stranger things have happened.

Bird Flu

2005-02-23T10:49:00.000-05:00

They're talking about the gravest possible chance of a global pandemic that will kill millions. Nothing Al Qaeda is plotting can rival that. But I haven't heard anything from the Department of Homeland Security on this one. (Loose bird flu and loose nukes--if the government just solved those two, who cares about Al Qaeda?)

I have questions:

What is the value of the Asian poultry industry? Is it conceivably affordable to just buy all their damn chickens and kill them? Grotesque and expensive, I know. But if there is a global pandemic, we'll be kicking ourselves...
There is talk of a vaccine. What's stopping us from just giving this to anyone who has contact with high risk poultry in Asia?
I'm not a fan of big government programs solving all of our problems. But when the flu vaccine shortage came up earlier, it occured to me that massive vaccine production plants would be a good thing for taxpayers to own. This would be real defense against many of the things that might be threatening us in the era of Al Qaeda and globalism.

Hunter S. Thompson

2005-02-23T10:16:00.000-05:00

Time magazine apparently named this the best blog or some such thing. I spent thirty seconds reading it, and felt it was time well spent simply for Hunter S. Thompson's exhilarating trashing of the Bush administration. I see clicking over there for a second as a little homage to our gonzo friend. Remember to scroll down a little, and remember not to bring the kids...

We're Getting VOIP

2005-02-22T11:04:00.000-05:00

Having a blog has done wonders for my geek credentials. Suddenly it seems like I am technologically advanced--even though I am by nature not that way at all. (I was blown away last weekend when a thirteen-year-old put a CD in my DVD player, and listened to it through the TV.)

Well look out world, because Henry Abbott is taking another big tech step: in the next few days, we'll be signing up for Voice-Over-Internet-Protocol (VOIP). This is where you get your telephone service via your high-speed internet connection. So long as you have high-speed access to the web, you can kiss the phone company goodbye, and save a lot of money. There are residential plans that start in the neighborhood of $20 per month for unlimited calling in North America, with voice mail, caller ID, call waiting and all that for free. You can even check your voice mail on the web. And there are a bunch of other freebies.

If all goes as planned, that means our current set up of four lines (two for business, one for business fax and DSL, one for the home line) will cost something like $120 per month, instead of the current $300-plus. Big difference!

What's the downside? There are reports of dropouts in service and occasional poor quality. And when the internet service isn't working, neither is your phone service. But I have heard from some truly geeky people that if you get a good company, NJ-based Vonage has been recommended, then you don't have to worry so much about that.

I'll let you know how it goes.

A Radical NBA Reform

2005-02-21T17:28:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of people who find the current NBA game less fun to watch than the days of Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird. They talk a lot about purity of the game and all that, but I think that what most people miss is the scoring. Although average scores are up slightly this year, in general, they've been going down.

Why is that? It's true, today's players don't shoot or pass as well as yesteryear. And the dedication to making one's teammates better is a little lackluster, to be sure.

But I think a huge factor in scoring being low is that the defense is just better. Players are notably bigger and stronger, and coaches really get on them to play defense. Look at photos from the seventies--you'll see Dr. J or George Gervin dunking, and a whole bunch of defenders standing on the ground watching. You'll never see that today. Guys get up in their faces and play tough D all night.

As long as that continues to be the case, I can't see how the NBA will ever have the same kind of non-stop scoring that fans love. Unless you implement my reform: reduce the number of players to four on four.

Anyone who has ever played basketball knows that fewer players means more running, more room for offensive creativity, and more scoring. The size these players are today--and the average size of an NBA player increases nearly every year--there isn't room for ten of them.

Four on four would be amazing to watch. Tons of fun. And the owners would love it: they could carry two or three fewer salaries every year. It would fix a lot of the games economic problems: fewer players to play, more scoring, more focus on the marketable stars.

I've never heard anyone else even dare to mention this idea. It's just too radical to consider. But I'm convinced it's the right one.

And it's not that radical. Basketball used to be nine players per side. Then eight, then seven, then six. The organizers whittled it down over time, because they kept finding the extra players clogged things up and made it hard to score. We have the same problem today, and the same solution is still the best.

You Don't Know Snot

2005-02-20T10:51:00.000-05:00

Everyone has their favorite cold remedy. I know a lot of people ride out a cold on the Nyquil/Dayquil train. Then there's the Advil Cold and Sinus crowd. I have had very smart people explain to me that Zicam is something we should all be using. Cold-Eeze does, I think, help prevent colds if you suck on those losenges early and often as you're coming down with the thing.

But I don't like taking a lot of cold drugs. I can't really explain why, but especially decongestants make me feel weird. So my approach, for the last couple of decades, has been more or less to try not to get sick, and if I do get sick, to suffer miserably and blow my nose so much it bleeds.

A couple of weeks ago, as I grappled with a snot tempest, this approach wore extremely thin. So I did what any self-respecting 21st century hombre would do: I called my mother.

She threw out an idea that we have all heard a million times (but most of us, I'm guessing, have never tried): flush your sinuses with salt water.

OK, sure, sounds great. But how in the hell do you do it? She didn't know.

But it was a plan. And when you're drowning, it's good to have a plan.

I called my grandmother-in-law Betty. She's a big one for remedies, and turned out to be a gold mine on this topic. She outlined 7-12 different products I should be flushing my nose with regularly, and I even pretended to take down the toll-free numbers she gave me to start ordering away.

Eventually, she got to the issue of irrigating the ol' honker with salt water. Turns out her dad used to make the kids snort saltwater up their noses until it ran down the backs of their noses and into their throats. She saw this as a hateful thing to make a child do.

Me, I just wanted to know logistics. Do you use a straw? How much salt? How often? Warm water or cold?

And then there was the question I had been avoiding, but which I had to ask before I would experiment. Was there any risk, I asked casually, of drowning?

"Well sure there is," she answered, "if you do it in the middle of the ocean." Then she belly laughed.

After more than an hour of receiving Betty's wisdom on the topic, I thanked her, and signed off with: "Betty, don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't know snot."

It was time for action. I went to the kitchen, poured a little salt into a cup of lukewarm water, stirred it, and poured it into my cupped hand. Standing over the sink (this is important) I simply jammed my nose into the water in my palm and snorted hard. Then I did it again, on the other side. And a couple more times for good measure.

There was a bit of a sting from the salt. And that uncomfortable sensation you get when you're swimming and get water up your nose. But then...

Magic. What some people call "nasal oysters" or "lung butter" (ooh, should have warned you this would get a little graphic) just rolled forth from my little nose. Gallons of the stuff. It exited my head, and the angels sang. It felt like I had lost ten pounds, all from my breathing passage. All that sinus pressure, all that difficult breating, all that snot--gone.

I felt so good, I swear my posture improved.

After spending a long time cleaning my face and the sink, I went to bed and breathed easily, without even having to blow my nose, for twelve hours. If there is a God, surely he is behind this saltwater thing.

We should all be doing it. I'm not kidding. If we all snorted out our snotty snoots a couple of times a day, there'd be a lot less snot around on our tissues and hands and faces and all that. And snot, they say, is the main way colds are transmitted. Plus, in the last week I think I personally have saved a forest of trees in reduced tissue use.

Once you try it, you'll be surprised how well it works. And you'll also be surprised to learn that you are joining a secret club. That's right. There are those who clean out their noses, and there are those who do not. And once word gets around that you are a nose cleaner, people will start coming out of the woodwork, welcoming you, in their way, to the club.

In fact, after only a few weeks of nasal passage flushing, I have even been invited to join the high priesthood of this secret clan: "people" have told me (and now I am telling you!) about the Neti Pot. "In Europe," I am told by a high ranking member of the sect, "everyone uses Neti Pots all the time, preventatively, and they never get sinusitis and that kind of junk." Hmmm.

Bo Kimble and I Talk Boobs

2005-02-17T17:06:00.000-05:00

Remember Bo Kimble?

I ran into him on Saturday. We were in a lobby at the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine waiting for the Orlando Magic's shootaround to end. He was dropping in on his college coach Paul Westhead, who is now an assistant coach with the Orlando Magic. I was waiting to interview some Magic players for an upcoming feature article for HOOP.

(For those of you who don't remember, Bo went to high school in Philadelphia, and college in California, with Hank Gathers. The two of them were incredible together, the best college tandem in the country. Then, tragically, Gathers lost his life to a heart condition. In the 1990 NCAA tournament, Kimble, a right-hander, earned the nation's adoration by shooting several free throws left-handed in honor of the lefty Gathers.)

Anyway, so Bo and I were killing time there, chit-chatting, and discovered that we were both fans of Chappelle's Show. He recounted his favorite skit: the one where Dave, who is black, plays a vicious, blind, racist who thinks he is white. We were both laughing hard. In fact, we laughed so much that at one point, Bo slapped my knee. I spend a fair amount of time talking to basketball players, and find it is a precious rarity to enjoy conversation so much. I was dying to contribute something.

For some reason, the only Chappelle's Show skit I could think of at that exact moment was the one where Dave (who is for some reason accompanied by a guy from the TV show Fear Factor) hands out awards on New York streets for "great New York boobs." Mostly the women who get the awards seem surprised but sort of proud. One woman is with her parents, who are clearly taken aback. Then at the end, essentially after the skit is over, there is a huge man, who inarguably does have breasts, standing there with one of these big "Great New York Boobs" ribbons stuck to his chest, and he's saying something like "what, is this supposed to be f*%!ing funny?"

Yes, yes it is.

Sadly, as I finished that story, we both had to stop laughing and look serious as we made our way into the practice.

I would love to close with a "Bo knows boobs" line, but I can't think of a good one.

In which I disagree with the New York Times

2005-02-16T16:02:00.000-05:00

In the current Sunday magazine, Michael Sokolove does a nice job of explaining a lot of what's wrong with the NBA these days--the gist is that a lot of players are not terribly deft at the finesse things that make basketball fun to watch. His solution: ban the dunk.

What is he smoking? I could go on all day about this one, but I think all my arguments boil down to this: when teams selflessly share the ball, and when NBA offenses are working to perfection, there are simply more dunks.

Take Amare Stoudemire and the Phoenix Suns. I haven't seen numbers, but I guarantee Amare and his teammates are dunking more than ever this year. Why? Because selfless point guard Steve Nash has inspired that team to share the ball like never before. People are getting open now, and their game has become very pretty indeed. In short, their offense went from what's wrong with the NBA to what's right, and it has made the dunks come easy.

Sure, the desire to have your dunks on Sportscenter may lead a player to selfishness and, ergo, boring play, getting to dunk regularly against tough NBA defenses requires exceptional teamwork. Dunks are generally close-range, lightly contested shots. Unless you're Michael Jordan, you just don't the opportunity for those unless your teammates have helped you do something to fool the defense.

Tough Parenting

2005-02-15T20:02:00.000-05:00

We are lucky that our seventeen-month-old Molly is generally a joyous, agreeable, and social little person, which means that 99% of the time we can appear to be good parents simply by keeping her washed and fed.

Inevitably, however, there are times when parenting demands a bit of firmness.

One of our little battles recurs just before bedtime, when I usually spend a few minutes reading her some of those little board books. (Ever wonder why baby books aren't made out of paper? 'Cause they'd rip 'em to shreds, that's why. There are some fabric ones that are kind of cool. My children's book, if I ever write one, will be printed on Tyvek.)

At some point in her maturation process, she elected herself Lord High Executioner over my choice of books.

Fair enough, I am happy for her to express her independence (after all, when she's a US Senator I hope she won't hesitate to break with her party from time to time to take a principled stand). But there is one book that I have never let her veto. It's the last book I read to her every night, and it's called Time for Bed. There are precious few rituals in our busy lives, and I obstinately decided that reading this book as the last thing before sleep, dammit, is something we do around here.

The art is classy, and the message is simple. Essentially it's a story of various different animals saying goodnight to their babies, ending with a human child.

For about a week, Molly saw that book coming and tried to force it shut with her strong and surprisingly long arms (which will no doubt serve her well in the WNBA, where she will make millions before entering politics as her generation's Bill Bradley). She said "Daddy, no" in her sternest voice. I soldiered on: "Time for bed little fish, little fish." She feigned disinterest and whimpered.

But after a week or so, she let me win. She chooses the first five to ten little books, and I get that last one without protest.

And as of tonight, Time for Bed has ascended into ritual sainthood, because the book now has a hypnotic effect on the child. A few minutes ago, for instance, she was full of beans, wriggling around in my lap, playing with little owl puppettalking a lot, pointing out all of her favorite pictures in the books. (Dog, dog, dog, dog, DOOOOGGG!)

But then I opened it up, started reading the zen monotone of a parent who wants a child to sleep, and her whole body went slack. She leaned back, gazed at the pictures, and yawned. Halfway through, her eyes lingered in a blink. By the time I reached the last page, she was reaching for my neck, to help me pick her up and carry her to the crib. Amen.